Mamma

Mamma, when I look at my hands, they painfully remind me yours.
I remember tracing out your fingers with my tiny baby ones. Yours were so big, so worn out and they were the most beautiful hands I've ever known.
If my hands look anything like yours than, I'll be the happiest on Earth.

Mamma, when I think over the life I lead, I don't know what you think of me. Am I just a painful memory?
I've wanted you to be proud of me for the longest time. And I guess that you are sometimes.

Mamma, sometimes things go wrong for me. Sometimes, I'm scared and I cry. I don't want to tell you because these bad times pass for me but they somehow linger in your memory.

Mamma, I snap at you and I say things I shouldn't. How long are you going to stand me?
 I wonder.

Mamma, there was a time when you were my God. I know you sometimes wonder why I don't think that anymore. Its because you're mortal and I just want to take care of you.

Mamma, I can't tell you all the things I want to tell you. I can't tell you all the things you want to hear.
I don't know why.

Mamma, there were days when you told me you missed the baby I used to be. Sometimes, I miss being a baby. I miss being small enough to be carried, coddled and put to sleep.

Mamma, I miss how you used to come to my room every morning. I miss your kiss on the top of my forehead, that silent wish that it would be a good day for me.

Mamma, I miss coming home and getting you flowers that would brighten your day. The way you smile; innocent, childish, priceless- I miss it.

Mamma, sometimes, I can't see your face in my mind. It scares me.

Mamma, my hands are sore, they hurt. Can you take them in yours and fuss over me just once?

Mamma, I miss your food. Yes, the way I fussed over everything and the way you acceded. Now, I wish I was a better person. I still am not.

Mamma, I miss the way you used to stroke my hair and gently massage it when I was worried.

Mamma, I don't know why I act the way I act. Everyday,I wish  for a daughter who deserves you.

Mamma, I promise I'll come running back to you once I find the answers. I'll come home and take care of you.
Mamma, I am safe. I am happy. I take care of myself. I don't know why I taunt you otherwise.

Mamma, you know I love you. I know you do.
But what I really can't tell you over from over thousands of miles- the most important of them all is that
Mamma, I miss you.